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22 July 2012 @ 01:27 am

I have always wondered in the back of my mind if I was depressed. I used to think it was some days yes, somedays no; now it's more somedays more, somedays less. I myself don't know when the change happened but it did.

Maybe its the lies regarding my graduate education, or the unknown and terrifying step forward that I haven't been able to make. Maybe it's the family and the never solved issues, the hidden turmoils, and explosions of feelings. Apparently that's how everything in this house works — pressure.

Pressure in terms of building up, storing it all in a confined space, and refusing to let some of it go. That kind of pressure. The pressure you're thinking of I am not lacking of course but that's another discussion for another day. I am talking about the stubborn, cowardice, and avoiding side of my family — transcending a good three generations at least.

Reasoning. It could be the culture, the teachings influenced by Confucism, the conflict of interests, and/or simply the supposed generation gap. There's really a good argument for each and everyone of those cases most likely resonates more than once in a family member. As a member of the family myslef, I can talk about my pressure and only mine, trying to not be a hypocrite at least consciously here.

A list of my pressures: — holding my tongue to express my feelings — avoiding the confrontation — not voicing my opinion, knowledge, or idea — avoiding the work of explaining due to laziness, lack of confidence, and self-value — staying silent to conform to the system of family ranking — using that same ranking system to have certain expectations knowing I am just as influenced and hypocritical — not being involved emotionally or physically — passivity — indifference — numbness — blocking it all so another day will pass

But the pressure builds. The abstract gauge just ticks or swings sometimes another notch up. Sometimes a little is released as steam, a slow simmer results until the same limit is reached for more release. Bits of releases for me: — harsh words filled with emotion sometimes not the right one — a slap or kick or two — an impusive rebellion — picking a fight without caring if I will win or hurt later — immersing myself to another world, another place, another experience — books, drama shows, little retreats to do my own things, shopping, and other useless distractions — spilling some to friends — trying to increase human contact — starting more hobbies or projects that often become incomplete — watching a sad movie for an excuse to cry — fully putting myself into another persons mind and reveling the differences while understanding the similarities — just not being me

But sometimes its packed in so much, built layers upon layers of pressuring sheets of emotion. Pulsating away as another limit is reached and passed. Pulsating until it simply implodes, destroying everything within, then reversing its course and explodes. Everything in its path is obliterated and broken, forever trying to forget, to ignore, to fix what cannot be mended.

Ultimately I am a crying mess, scarred, defenceless without my mental barriers, and exactly what I hate to be: weak.

And then after it all flows away hurting everything and everyone, the pressures starts to build just like before as some superficial healing is forced to live another day. An endless cycle of condemption it seems.

Sometimes I can't help but think suicide. Not just say suicide like my mom all the time but to really do it without looking back. To be free from the countless worries, the multiple wounds, the hidden agendas, the boundaries and limitations, the annoying office politics, the value of person into a rank and judged, the monetary security everyone seeks, the unobtainable goals, the potential future just shaking its head. The burdens of life that I don't want or need.

Mentally I take a step toward that dark temptation, but as always I look back and see what I can't leave behind. One day I will physically do it when there's not much to look back at and accept that blissful darkness. One day. Just not yet.

Not yet my crying present self. Not quite yet.

30 March 2012 @ 11:35 pm
oh man it's been forever since i've gone on livejournal
It didn't really hit me until I noticed that through a tumblr post too (its still new and very unused as well)
So that 5% mentioned in the last post CAME TRUE!
I've been so busy with my job in research, life, drama (in more ways then one), and just relaxing with friends that I don't really go online too much anymore.

I probably will post more feeling based entries here and more work based status entries on my tumblr.
I am still not sure how that will work out.
I doubt I will post more than once a month so it doesn't really matter.
I am planning to keep writing in my drama community though.
At one point in time, I want a full record all the dramas I've seen with a brief review and score for all of them.


Hopefully this remains as a journal for personal feelings, conflicts, and issues I have to deal with and continues to be a source of release, especially with the isolation I've been experiencing

Mood: calmcalm
05 June 2011 @ 11:56 am
huh its been more than 2 months since I last wrote on here @_@

I'll definitely be more active after graduating I think unless I'm so active in my real life actually doing crap and not on the web.
chances of that --> ~5%

at this point there's a lot of random things on my mind
- finish this last lab report of my undergraduate career (i haven't really started (  -___- ") it is due in paper tomorrow 5pm)
- request letter of rec from research doctor
- fix resume and write cover letters
- apply for a research job and if that fails some other job possibly
- somehow get anatomy class and lab done in community college
- research up on schools, information, and the paths available -- time is running out!
- APPLY FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL, do?, postbac?, pa?, other training like phlebotomy? --> the future is still uncertain
- retake MCAT? i did pretty bad
- and then family crap to worry about...

Seriously the fact that after graduation my calender is practically empty is unsettling.

Alright I gotta do report now... (got the culture worksheets filled out and 1 page of report -___-)
Location: home sweet home
Mood: indifferentindifferent
Streaming: through the glass - stoned sour
27 March 2011 @ 05:46 pm

I haven't written on here in a LONG time since I've been playing Pokemon White :) and PS3 ^_^.
Spent half my spring break playing games and the other half watching drama.  Also haven't updated that in long time...orz this is why i can't keep up a blog/website haha

In general, it was a relaxing break with lots of sleep. On that topic, my circadian rhythm is all messed up now. @_@
Class starts Tuesday at 8am and last til 6pm too! That will be a tiring day in the least.

Before that is Bio 199 research at Long Beach...gas prices now close to $4 too  /sobs
At least I start researching at Fountain Valley Wed. That's a little better.

Gotta worry about parking permit and gas costs too. Hopefully I can split that with Bunnie. /sigh

Yet only ONE last quarter to go!?
haha happy or sad, not sure at this moment

(what comes after is still undecided at this point -_____-)
Mood: sadsad
Streaming: watching My Bratty Princess for the 3rd time :)
07 February 2011 @ 11:16 pm
If you remember, I posted some time ago about a breast cancer awareness message I saw on facebook. 
Apparently the message has changed, though with the same meaning, to;
There are the normal ( . )( . ), the silicone ( + )( + ), the perfect (o)(o), the perky (*)(*). Some are cold (^)(^) and some belong to grandmothers \./\./ And let’s not forget the very large (o Y o), the very small (.)(.) and the asymetrical (•)(.) We love them all!
Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐ to breast cancer.......
Now should I laugh or cry. The original message got through just fine without the pic. *sigh*

Just had to inform.

I'm out.
Mood: calmcalm
Streaming: just watched Hawaii-Five-O
04 February 2011 @ 12:02 am
Woah I've been slacking. I haven't posted on here in a while.
I've been busy with school, research, and trying to have a life.
I really need to work on my drama group posts too @_@
I haven't stopped watching drama, don't get me wrong. I just haven't updated anything. *sigh*

Anyways, ~~HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR~~ Year of the Cat/Rabbit

I started off my new year with 3 free-response midterms in one day 90 min each.
That says a lot. -___-

As usual, life went on even though I was stuck cramming for midterms.
I thought it was funny how family members came and went, saw me studying, asked about school (I told them I'm graduating this June ^_^), and continued their usual routine (get drunk, gamble, and loud). New Years Eve and today was the same.  I wonder how tomorrow will work out.

I haven't even bowed and prayed to any offerings because I've been occupied with studying and tomorrow I have research until 5pm. *sigh*
I'll do it eventually...I guess...

Oh and today I went to GradExpo second time to buy my cap, gown, and tassel.  I also bought commemorative tassel, medallion, and sash/stole.

I'm graduating~~ YAY
I can finally leave UCI  --> ZOT ZOT
I am finally getting my bachelors of science degree~ WOO HOO

Mood: fullfull
Streaming: blissful silence and crickets
25 January 2011 @ 12:08 am
I didn't realize I didn't put up a new year's resolution.  Guess that just shows my hopeful future....*sigh*
Well I'll get it a try and a thought now.

By my logical order,
  1. Better grades --> higher GPA
  2. Increase MCAT score
  3. Apply to, interview for, and ACCEPTANCE into a Medical School Program (in the USA) !!! <--- the biggest hurdle of my life
  4. Find a good alternative during the waiting process. Hopefully be paid doing it. *fingers crossed*
  5. Maybe in the process, my determination and passion will find its way back to me. *sigh* just maybe? who said I wasn't optimistic...
  6. By the end of the year, have a good idea of my future and what I what in life.
Okay I feel more depressed now.
Being (not so miserable) sick is tiring and takes its toll. 
My vision is blurring and I have a slight fever...AGAIN. Its a switch, off and on fevers. I am always light-headed when I have fevers.
*sigh* at least I feel like I have a fever at the moment - what I feel and  what the thermostat doesn't always match - but i know my temp is off

Anyways, I'm gonna stop writing now. Eyes crossing over...
I'm out.
Mood: sicksick
Streaming: head pounding heart beat
14 January 2011 @ 11:05 pm

The last time I wrote on here was Christmas...
man this is the reason why I can't maintain a website LOL

So now that the FAFSA period has started, I am rather pressed to decide to file one or not.
I'm not applying to medical school...at least not yet, so once I graduate I'm not sure what to do.
I am graduating this June too ... 5 months from now @_@ when i say it like that, it's so soon!?
If I go to a community college to take some classes, do I file a FAFSA? I'm not even sure where I'm going.
Then again, if I don't remain a full time student I'm gonna have to start repaying my loans. -_-

Another concern now is what I am doing after I graduate. Work? School again? Intern? Train? Grad School? or even more far-fetched Med School???
The last I would love to go, but no one is gonna accept me with my grades.
The only thing I do know though is that I like the perinatal & ob/gyn medical field.  
I will have to figure out my place in that department soon, as a physician, nurse, sonographer, genetic counselor, or whatnot.

Let's see what else.  My sister worries as me as always and don't get me started on that brat. Other family issues as always, mostly about my dad.

Classes this quarter have a HEAVY workload. *sigh* But I can't change that. I need those classes to graduate as a Genetics major.
On a good note, once this quarter is done, I only need one more upper-division lab and I'll be free to take any other class.

I don't know what else is on my mind at the moment...too much to process...whine...complain...and cry about.
Let's stop here.
Mood: depresseddepressed
Streaming: Linkin Park - Waiting for the End | Powered by Last.fm
25 December 2010 @ 02:07 am
The rain has stopped (hopefully for the rest of the year) and christmas lights are all up.


Thank you for the presents you guys.
I'm looking forward to my birthday even more now that I know we can dance and rock out to more songs. ^_^.

Winter break isn't gonna end until my birthday is over and then some. So enjoy it to your heart's content.
One week left before college hits us in the face again~

Mood: contentcontent
17 December 2010 @ 04:11 pm
I tried to fix the ads...and I just don't know anymore. I had to put it on vertical so it didn't get in the way of the commenting box, and it disappeared.

One of my favorite userpics in use now. ^_^
Maybe I should set it as my default. Hmm.

Anyways, my sister is getting more sick.  
She just started coughing a little less and stopped causing ruckus in the middle of night with vomitting and crying and so on.  
She's 11 now BTW.
Now she has a virus infection in the throat and thus has a raspy voice.
Family was almost in full throttle argument JUST because of her.

Doctor was also a bitch.  Just told her to drink lemonade and citrus fruits for her throat, WTF.
I'm a bio major myself. I know there's such a thing as overuse of drugs, antibiotic resistance and its useless on a virus, and placebo effect.  
But for an 11 year old girl, telling her to drink citrus juice to make the sore throat go away is just inconsiderate.

Now my mom, asian as she is in response to the western approach, is using eastern medicine and herbs, like fruillary and loquat extracts and other concoctions; AND asking for the validity of that stuff.
I'm said outright, there's no scientific basis for ANY of that stuff!
No point in searching it up, other than to find what is believed to do, which is what I did and told her.
It's not like I don't believe in it.  You never know, gotta be open-minded.

Also, the doctor still prescribed cough medicine for her coughing, which contradicts what she did for the throat in my opinion.
And I just found out she prescribed 40 pills of antibiotic last visit a week ago for my sister's coughing and apparently had phlegm in her lungs.  I don't know the basis of that, but just --______--

SO: The day is only half done and the rest is gonna be tense.

oh and christmas and new years/bday is just around the corner...
Mood: annoyedannoyed
Streaming: Sara Bareilles - Gravity | Powered by Last.fm